Exorcising demons has been therapeutic, but I must something happens when you get older, I can’t explain it. I never sought justice, just peace. I am finally at peace with what is. Sometimes answers come as second hand sources from my biased baby sister (who was also my mother’s favorite kid). Usually there are no answers good enough for me. I’m left to fill in the blanks myself. Having worked as a child advocate and social worker, I was able to get some closure. It was by accident I ended up in the field, but I’m sure a higher power made it so in order for me to not only get some revelation about how these things happen to young victims of violence, but it allowed me to be the help I never received.
It’s been a struggle, it’s still a struggle. The best way I can describe maternal neglect and having a disengaged father is constant loneliness. Even in a room of people happy and cheerful, I often felt alone. Even in a marriage I was alone and didn’t feel protected. There has never been enough protection for me, and I’ve never really allowed anyone to protect me. I’ve seen enough in people to know how that story goes, so I kept people close, yet away if that makes sense.
It’s something foster kids note frequently. I have that “thing” in me too.
For years I was searching for “something,” always the wrong thing. Eventually I found peace in solitude and being alone. I don’t take meds, I’ve never used drugs, I’ve never been to prison. I just don’t know how. I came close hanging with the wrong people a few times, but good people swooped in and planted the right seeds, saving my life.
If it were not for the kindness of country strangers, the wisdom of old people providing me with practical life lessons, and a willingness to fight to survive this life, I wouldn’t be here.