Great story. A little disturbed by the fact you took in an extraordinary amount of foster kids. It’s impossible to give all those kids what they need and take care of yourselves. I’m puzzled as to why you and your wife continued when you both knew it took away from the time you would have as a couple. After 3-4 years and a decline in sex, a bell should’ve come on. In any event I totally understand. Affairs are a part of life people are uncomfortable talking about.
Some women get so wrapped up in caring for kids they forget about their men and what it takes to keep them happy. Sane men are pretty simple to keep happy if their women care and don’t get complacent.
Take care of their finances.
Put each other first. Not the kids, grandkids dogs, jobs, in-laws, church, etc.. Each other.
Those are the simple keys to a happy marriage. Anything else opens the door to an affair.