She was transphobic but excusing her transphobia because she was queer. She misgendered me and invalidated my gender identity by saying I was still technically a woman. And she said that if someone dated me, it would be too complicated to figure out and understand wha…
I don’t really know how to feel about this. I am in no way transphobic, but I can totally understand someone saying these things and feeling this way. People are fighting with a lot of things mentally and internally that have absolutely nothing to do with the trans person sitting in front of us. The preferred gender identity you insist they conform to, figuring out who you are and what you’re becoming, all while you’re figuring yourself out. One thing that kept sticking out to me in this piece is the emphasis placed on “your’ feelings, what “you” thought, how “you” felt. The person basically explained to you that they were provided some new info that is quite contrary to every teaching she’s probably ever been exposed to about queerness. Trans people are asking someone to forget/ignore what they see right before their eyes (especially if your transition is an evolution) and to imagine something to come, something futuristic. Something they maybe can’t see yet. That’s hard.
When people are willing to have a conversation to clarify what they don’t understand, that’s a sign of maturity and a first step to a resolution. Anytime a person feels comfortable enough with you to share their real feelings, you’re considered special. Failing to recognize that is dangerous and can be considered selfish. Trans people are asking people to see something other people can’t see (yet). It’s asking a person to forsake long-standing gender stances and positions. It’s asking someone to call a trans person perhaps a different gender, making them believe the trans person and betray what they see what they’ve been taught. It’s asking a lot! That’s not transphobic in my opinion, that’s called having faith. It’s called believing the illogical versus the logical. It’s called perception. To simply label a person because they can’t see what you see or feel what you feel could be perceived as selfish.
Seeing is believing. It’s easy. Faith is hard. You’re forced to believe something you can’t see. This is best possible way I can describe how hetero, cis, and some queer people coming in contact with the trans community feels.
It’s a lot to process, a lot to think about, and so much to try and understand. People need time to rethink (or forget) preconceived notions about sex, sexuality, and gender. If people aren’t exposed to the trans community and given time to form their own impressions about all things trans (it’s so damn much to learn about), trans people will never be get the love they believe they deserve. I love reading and learning, but I must admit I truly dislike labels. Labels simply add one more barrier to getting the love we all want and deserve. Color, race, sexual preference, gender, ethnicity, income level, religion, educational background, and blah, blah, blah… Labels bring us together, and they also tear us apart. This was a great read. Very thought provoking. I must question my own thoughts about the trans love after reading your article, and how I could articulate it better. Thank you for sharing.