I had a similar experience with a White woman with the same kind of thoughts about people of color. We live here in FL so, everybody is here. She hated Miami because it’s too brown. She hated the East coast of FL because it was too many Hispanics and they don’t speak English. On the west coast, she didn’t like the Black and Brown communities. They needed to be gentrified (my word, her description). I was her token Black. When we tried to have conversations on race, she did the exact same things. She told me I was different, said I wasn’t like the other Blacks, always mentioned the way I talked. She was extremely disconnected from race.
She was also Italian, and tried constantly to do the oppression Olympics with Black folks.
I moved away and that ended our friendship. She did some nice things for me, I did some nice things for her, but at the end of the day, she did not respect my Blackness, she respected how much I’d assimilated to meet her standard of Whiteness. I checked all the boxes for a Black friend. Like your friend, I was scarred by my experiences dealing with her and her cadre of White privileged friends.
Being friends with women who aren’t allies is indeed bad for our health. It’s the reason so few Black women have White female friends. They are so predictable. This was so eye-opening that so many of us experience this same thing. It speaks volumes about somethings never changing. You did a great job explaining the toxicity of befriending White women.