I’m so sorry you had your childhood and innocence stolen from you @Chris
That’s usually how child predators work. It’s not at all unusual for some victims to be aroused during assaults, especially child victims. As a child, you should have been able to experience your body’s natural growth and development without interference from an old pervert! This person destroyed who you were intended to be. You and so many other young men like you were abused and were left to figure out your own ways to cope with having been raped and having your innocence stolen. When I see men with alcohol and substance abuse issues, I often wonder if sexual or physical abuse in their childhoods are to blame. Most times the answer is yes. That’s why I try my best to get to a person’s childhood first before assuming I know them. We are complex creatures.
I’m so sorry you never had the supports you needed to heal, which caused you to turn to self-medicating. I realize it’s much more difficult for men to come forward because society does a poor job of differentiating good sexual behavior from the bad behavior. Men also aren’t allowed to talk or be emotional, which also cause us to alienate men and boys when they need us most.
We rarely talk about child sexual abuse, and when we do, the conversations are primarily female/girl centered. Society has no energy or palate for men sexually abusing boys, which leaves them more vulnerable in my opinion. I have talked to so many older men who were raped by clergy in Catholic and Christian schools when they were younger. Some were able to mask it well, but when they do un-bottle the genie, it’s one of the saddest things I have ever seen. It’s the secret no one wants to know. The event literally stunted their growth and stopped their lives.
We have grown men trying to figure their sexuality, because they were sexually violated (along with sexual arousal that happened during some assaults) causing them to question their sexuality. There likely would never be any doubt or uncertainty had the child never been victimized. Your story is very common. And I thank you for sharing your story with me. We are a family of misfits, united by tragedy.
I’m happy you have found supportive networks to work on your emotional well-being. That’s vital as a survivor! You are a survivor Chris!