This piece is a part of an on-going chronicle of life experiences as I go through my mid-life crisis. Lots of highs and lows, valleys and mountains, and many revelations. I love to share them. To me, they are teachable moments.
To share, or not to share your past. Maybe the appropriate question is how much to share.
Recently, my long-distance partner and I were having a discussion about some pictures on social media posted on one of my friends’ page. They were pictures of fresh fish caught in the Gulf of Mexico. I love boating and fishing so it was interesting to me. Besides, she had purchased fresh fish caught from the Atlantic/Key West on the same day. It was, in my opinion, a relative conversation to have. We don’t share any friends on social media (well maybe 3), so I had to screen shot the photo of the fish. As we discussed the fish, she began to ask some general questions about the person(s) that caught the fish, which I answered but was a little alarmed by the line of questioning.
Her next question, out of the blue was “Is the person that caught these fish your ex? I went from zero to one-hundred immediately, and she couldn’t understand why.
I would never say anything like that to her. She has had an emotional attachment to a former colleague in her agency. She communicated with this person several times per day before I discovered they were more than just friends. I don’t sweat it. Don’t care really. I am of the mindset that if you snoop, you will find something. If you are hiding something, eventually it will be exposed. I have no time to worry about her life. I have my own to deal with. In any event, I would never ask her a question which would imply she was sneaking and try to share her ex’s info with me in some manner without a reason. “I just wanna know” is not good enough. It comes from some place. Some place where I was suspicious and insecure.
If suspicion is warranted, I would understand that. But if not, I take offense.
Let me explain to you why I was so upset, and why I am now questioning how I should conduct myself going forward as middle aged woman. How much of my past life do I share with a new love-interest.
She’s a cop. A federal special agent (law enforcement). With 20-years in. A good two shoes of sorts if I must say so. Previously married for 25 years, with her last husband 28 years. He was only the 2nd man she’s been with in her life. She’s 49 years old and she’s a polygrapher. She is originally from NY. She has spent half of her life interrogating people to determine whether they are telling the truth, and she asks leading questions at times without the average person being aware of what she’s doing. Because of her line of work, she has very few friends, and I assume she has limited experiences with people in non LE backgrounds outside of childhood friends. She is pro he culture and ethnicity. She is a prude when it comes to sex and relationships I would say. She stays loyal, too long, to the wrong people. Also kind of judgemental in many aspects. She has had several a few relationships with women. Some emotional. One or two were sexual prior to meeting me. For the most part I’d say she was mostly lesbian now.
As for me myself, I am a freelancer now, but I am a former advocate for victims of crime. I’ve also worked in public post-secondary education and with persons living with HIV/AIDS. I am 45, pretty sexually liberated, and unashamed of my past. I am a former foster kid, tougher than leather and well-put together. I train police to write grants, but other than that I have no interactions with them. I love all types of people, love learning about different cultures, and I have dated (and been intimate) with men outside of my ethnic group. I have no hang ups. I like what I like, and I am pretty open-minded. I am twice divorced (from men). This is my first relationship with a female. I would say I am bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women, but mostly men. I like what I like……. and I can’t really explain it. I am just at a point where I want to explore before I close my eyes for good. I am Southern. I meet no strangers, and can talk to anyone. I just like people.
We have shared a lot about ourselves with each other. I must say I have had more of vivacious sex life than she has, because I was single for 15 years in between marriages during my late teens til age 35. I shared a lot of my experiences with her to include interracial dating, sexual interest and desires, and follies I’ve had while going through a separation, which happened to be with a White man going through his mid-life crisis/separation from his wife. We were together for about a year before we broke things off. In any event, I don’t live where I used to, and I do have any interactions at all with him. The fact remains though, I told her about this man. She had an issue with this particular love interest, and I don’t particularly care about that. The fact remains that I shared some “intel” with her about me, and she now has taken the intel to suspect me of any and every man I now talk about. It’s unwarranted and inappropriate as far as I am concerned. She says she just wanted to know which is why she asked the question. For me though, I wonder why her mind would go there.
I have all kinds of friends. More male than female friends. And friends and acquaintances of all socioeconomic backgrounds. She does not. Her friends are limited to people in the law enforcement community, and even those are few since she relocated from California to her new work site on the East Coast after 17 years.
She used it against me, in my opinion. In an instant, it has completely changed how I plan to communicate with her going forward. If you can’t have open, truthful communication, discuss your past without it being held over your head, how can you move forward in the relationship. I am now putting up barriers and walls, because you can no longer be your authentic self. I have to protect me at all cost. Is this the beginning of the end? Maybe?
Am I being too sensitive? Am I being to hard on her? Am I right? Is she?
While I care about her alot, I tend to think of her as an enemy sometimes. She’s not like me. She’s a cop. One with lots of power. And a cop taught to suspect people instead of learning people. All my dealings with her personal thinking processes (interrogative and suspecting) is exhausting on some days. No wonder she may not have many friends. No one is good enough, maybe.
So, What’s the Solution?
Keep my mouth closed going forward! Old folks used to say along time ago that everything is not for everybody. Keep your business to yourself, because people will use your business against you one day. I feel like this is one of those cases. If my past causes you mental anxiety, and it’s so dominant you have to suspect something simple as sharing a photo, then that person has the problem, not me.
From now on, I will limit my past personal relationship details and sexual experiences with my current and future partners. Less is more I find. I thought I had found an open person, who was able to handle deep conversations and differences relative to sexuality. One I could trust my inner most thoughts and desires with.
I see I have not found that, so I must guard myself and my soul going forward.
Is this the beginning of the end? I don’t know. What I do know is that I woke up with a sense of having been violated. I also came to the conclusion that it’s me against the world. I can’t possibly allow this person to use their insecurities to wreak havoc on my life, essentially placing me back into a cage. Why is it that we can’t just accept each other for our differences, and move on? I wish I knew the answer to that. In the meantime, the short term solution is to keep my mouth shut, keeping my sanity and peace in tact.
I’m innocent until proven guilty.
I have the right to remain silent.
Anything that I say may be used against me down the road in the relationship.
New relationship rules. Mid-life dating situations, continued. Just when you think you’re too old for bullshit, here comes some more. Dating a cop….is interesting to say the very least.
And the Saga Continues ………………
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