After living all of my life as a heterosexual Black woman (twice married with children and grand children), I decided to explore my sexuality. Living in the bible belt, it is such chore to live “your” real life. Your best life. I decided that it was time for me to live for me. I raised my kids, other folks’ kids, worked to help others, and I have given until it literally hurts. Throughout my life, I’ve always felt something was missing. After being married twice, and having dated a variety of guys over the years, I always felt incomplete. Different. With company, yet always alone. Physically, I was in the presence of my beau, emotionally I was detached. A guy, no matter how nice, just wasn’t able to get to the places that needed attention in my life. I was in the desert. My life was lifeless. I was living, while I was dying, and I was tired of it. I wanted out……bad!
I made a life-changing decision to switch teams a while ago to test my personal theory to see if being with a woman would feed my soul and the longing for an emotional connection. Nothing against men (I love them), but the thing that was most important to me (my soul, my spirit, and my emotions) they simply were not able to give me. Maybe it was the sexual abuse as a child. Maybe it was the rape by a male classmate in high school. Maybe it was just all of the men that I have encountered that just wasn’t ready for a “me.” In any event, I was ready to find her. I started conducting research on how to meet a prospective female partner at my age (40+), with similar life circumstances.
Those circumstances include: an empty nest. Married and on the way to divorce number two. Simply put, I was at that middle-age crossroad in my life. I knew what I wanted, and I also knew what I didn’t want. I was ready and I was going for it. I found the perfect site to explore to achieve my goal.
It was around Christmas time, and I was uber lonely. I had ample time to spend looking for Ms. Right. It was now or never. I created my profile on the site, and I started joining in conversations on various topics. I noticed a sister located near where I was kept commenting on my posts. After a day or two of following me on the site, she in boxed me a simple message that was nice, yet to the point. She wanted to chat, and she was interested. Because I was new to the site, I was unable to communicate with members until I had a certain number of post. It was the site’s way to prevent it from just being a hook-up site. In any event, I continued to post until I met the limit. As soon as I did, I in boxed her. She was ecstatic. We shared many details about ourselves and our lives. She was similar to me, except she still had young kids at home…..and married. Unhappily, but married nonetheless. We chatted like we were old friends. I was excited, and so was she. She had been searching for the right person for months. I felt like a school-kid with a crush. I felt alive. She might just be the one.
We exchanged numbers and called each other almost immediately. We talked for hours, then daily. We shared our life experiences, desires, and most importantly our desire to be with the right woman, and maybe just maybe out of the closet. We mutually decided to meet. I drove to her town. It was 2-hours away. It was safe and discreet. We met for lunch, and/or whatever else we wanted afterwards. We were good and grown, and we knew what we wanted. We also understood the risks and consequences. She and I decided to proceed with caution. We met for the first time at an upscale hotel on the beach. It was a storybook first encounter. It was so romantic. We had a beautiful oceanside lunch. She had booked a beautiful room with an ocean view. It was my first time with a woman, her second. It was scary, exciting, and thrilling. She was tall and beautiful. Fit as a fiddle. Her hair was short and natural like mines.
She was a fem, my woman of choice if I was going to jump out there and pursue this desire. Her skin was dark, soft, beautiful. She smelled so good, omg! I was in a trance, and I couldn’t let go. We kissed, and we embraced for a long time. After that, we commenced to exploring each other’s body like two virgins. I felt connected. Finally, I did it. I crossed over. It was the best thing ever. We made love for hours, until it was time for us to go our separate ways. From that point forward, we were inseparable. Whether it was phone, Skype, text, or in person….we were together. We were falling for each other, quickly. It was a perfect connection.
Now, comes the hard part. Coming out to some of our closest friends. After spending so much time talking and cultivating the relationship, we figured it was time to share the news to limited few. Here is where the story gets weird.
We discussed telling our friends. Because I wasn’t her first, some of her friends had already been told about her being bisexual and her attraction to women. They were mostly supportive. Some had questions. Stupid questions, like was she ever attracted to them sexually. Personal sex questions, like how does the honey pot taste? A few of her friends became territorial. They disliked that a woman was taking up some of their time. One of her friends (who was also bisexual and living a miserable life that her family approved of) was very angry. She was a colleague of my partner. I later learned they had some emotional feelings for each other which were eventually disclosed. Their longtime friendship ended badly. My partner decided to end her marriage to live her truth as a bi woman with children. Her colleague/friend/emotional lover felt she was making a huge mistake by divorcing, and basically insisted my partner living a lie just like she was. She ended her marriage, and the friendship disintegrated as well.
My friend was another story. I don’t have many friends. Thus far I have only disclosed to two people about my newly discovered sexuality. My best friend had a rollercoaster of emotions. She was shocked, surprised, hurt, and afraid. I expected all of those emotions. The one I didn’t expect was jealousy. After nearly years of friendship, being in each others weddings, attending family funerals, discussing the men in our lives, I was taken aback by the fear of my new partner. I was confused and hurt. My partner and I both eventually had meet and greets with our hetero female friends to come out to them. Each female friend had their own way of dealing with us as a couple. What we have found that it is so draining. We prefer not to spend time as a couple with friends because it is so much work. We feel like it’s putting together play dates for kids, except it’s the dates are for grown women with attitudes, little biases, sprinkled with jealousy.
My partner and I often discuss the difficulties of being bi and Black. We also discuss being bi or lesbian with hetero female friends. It’s so complicated, so complex. We spend every week maneuvering minefields. Not being able to share all the places we go, the different adventures we embark upon, the quality time we spend together, or the lovely gifts we exchange that comes with this new, grown kind of love is sad. Many of our friends are in either unhealthy relationships, dead marriages, or unhappily single. It’s disheartening to now only be able to have one-sided conversations relative to their relationships (or lack thereof). We just want to be able to talk about our new relationship, the love, successes and shortcomings like we did the before we came out, but sadly we can’t. No one was jockeying for our time before when we were with men. The previous men in our lives were granted unlimited time, and we were awarded ample space. Our girlfriends couldn’t wait to hear about our lives.
Now that we have female partners/lovers, we get snide remarks, sarcasm, and jealousy. Now our friends compare the relationships, which is unfair.
I don’t know why my partner is such a threat to my friend, and I don’t know why I am such a threat to some of her friends. I love her, and I love who I have become. I am comfortable in my skin, and so is my partner. We didn’t wait all of our lives, living in shadows oppressed to have friends place us back into a box (even though they feel this is not the case). We are happy, and we know what we want. True friends are selfless, compassionate and understanding. They know how to fall back and get in where/when they fit in. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine such happiness could also bring with it such despair. We solved a problem and inadvertently created another.
I am happy, bi, in a loving relationship with my first female partner and I won’t be giving up my happiness to ease anyone’s insecurities. Ever! I have lived half of my life for others, now it’s time to live for me.