Thank you so much Derek. Writing this was therapeutic. It is hard because for so long I’ve only shared a piece here or there when I needed to. I have never told anyone about all the abuse and neglect in one sitting. It’s just still hard for me to grasp. It’s unreal. I’m glad you mention anger. I believe it’s healthy and helps us to heal.
Permission to have anger is a big one for me. It’s also why I’ve kept people, especially women/mothers at a distance. I get tired of people telling me I need to forgive, they can’t understand my attitude, I’m so cruel, so callous, or that I need to somehow care for this woman I must call my mother because she is old now. People have the audacity to imply I should care for her in a manner never afforded to me with no consideration or understanding of the totality of all my abuses.
So, I must contain my anger all the time because my feelings aren’t nice, aren’t respected, and are not valued because they different. Not being able to vent freely prohibits/constricts ones healing which is why I value solitude. I can be angry and have peace without others imposing their fictional television views of life upon me.