Thank you so much for reading my story about my dad. He is QUITE the character lol, but he is a good dude. He’d give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t take any mess. He’s been an invaluable rock and source of life-lessons, both good and bad. And you’re correct, I am Blackitty, Black, Black and proud— Carolina style lol. I identify as Black. Both my parents are Black as well.
About Mother’s Day. I dislike it. I don’t celebrate it, and I don’t make my sons celebrate me. It’s a commercial holiday created by a June Cleaver type who feels mothers deserve to be cherished one day out of the year. Cherish me everyday darn it lol. In any event I have written about not all mothers being worthy of praise. I have one of those moms. I think I also included a link in the other essay about my mom. It was a mother’s day prompt. Mother’s Day is complex as well. I think it is for a lot of women. If you read the comments on my mother and my essay about my grandmother, you’ll see Black women (my mom and grandma are/were Black) have issues, and they transfer their issues to the next generation via dysfunction, bad choices in men to procreate with, and we have mental health issues we seek under the rug.
I hate to sound like Trump on relationships, but there really are good and bad people on both sides. There are terrible Black fathers that walk away from their responsibilities just like there are terrible Black mothers who dump their responsibilities off on their mother’s and aunties while they run streets, do drugs, chase men, chase the American Nightmare. Then there are the dads and moms who will let nothing get into the way of co-parenting. That’s my preferred method of parenting. It works great, it’s a good example to show your kids, and it makes life peaceful with all involved. It works best when new wives and long-term significant others also are allowed to be apart of the process. Team work makes parenting work!
But there are also vindictive women like my mother who used her children to make my dad’s life a nightmare. Excessive trips to court for child support increases, lawyers fees, sending the cops to his wedding with warrants, withholding visitation, all because she cheated on my dad and it went wrong. Way wrong. We spent a childhood being raised by other people, being left alone, no family connections, and lots of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse due to her choices. Sometimes she tried to over compensate in the way of giving us stuff.
Many Black moms think giving us stuff will make us forget our dads. It doesn’t. Men get tired and move on. Dealing with petty Black women making their lives hell is not the way they want to spend 18–20 years of their lives. We need to own our shit! Sometimes we sisters are trying to hide “our” secret. We vilify dad to make ourselves look and feel good. I have a few classic stories I could share about women I know who ruin their children’s lives by making bad choices. Stories for another day. I am a child advocate, so I tend to think about a child’s well-being first.
I never raised my sons in dysfunction. I talked to them about our dysfunction without going into all the details. so they saw my messy family.
Lastly, about educating my sons. I raised my sons to first and foremost treat everyone with respect. I taught them to ID little girls, and don’t sleep with grown women who were older than them. I taught them to not get married until they are married and don’t hit women and don’t let a woman hit on them. I taught them to not bring a kid in the world unless he was ready to parent it for 20–30 years. One good night can bring a lifetime of trouble and poverty to man lol. I taught them about what qualities to look for in a long-term partner (preferably wife) in regards to what makes a good mom. I taught them about how ugly we can act, and how petty, clingy and needy we are. If they weren’t ready for that to make it clear, say it loud, and keep their distances because no matter what we say, we still are going to catch feelings.
I also taught them to look at the family line before choosing so they’d know what they are getting saddled with. A pretty bag today will be an old bag tomorrow. Make sure they are picking his future mate for the right reasons with knowledge. I also taught them to look for signs of mental illness and family dysfunction. They often come with the relationship. Bow out if you need to before getting to deeply committed. Lots of sex talk at my house which was hilarious, but two of my three sons heeded all my warnings. One son did exactly what I told him NOT to do, and he’s catching hell right now at the ripe old age of 27.
Nothing gives you a good swift kick up the behind like real life. If you won’t listen to your mama, you shall get what you’ve been seeking. It’s not always good either.
My sons were really close to my dad when they were younger, but he has communication issues and little patience as he’s aged. My kids don’t like his style, so they don’t engage with him much. It’s harsh and brash. I’m a thug having been a street kid for sometime so I can take almost anything lol. My sons did learn how to stand from my dad as well as how to care for his family. They took the good of him and left the bad.
Thanks again for reading. I try to share practical life experiences most people don’t like to talk about. It’s hard to break the cycle if you don’t know you’re broken. I’m just an ordinary, curious chick who likes to figure out how things work (to include real life)— then tell others about what I learned along the way. Thanks for coming along for the ride.