Thanks you so much Elisabeth for sharing your experiences. I am very interested in hearing more about your experiences. I can only speak about interracial relationships as an outsider, a mother, a mother-in-law, a grandma, and as a friend, but it always seems to me it’s not worth all the trouble. As my mom used to say, “Ain’t that much love in the world.” Interracial dating isn’t for the faint of heart.
And the offspring coming from those relationships. Your first hand accounts of the struggles children face stemming from those unions are similar to those I’ve witnessed. Kids are always faced with the question of what side do I choose to identify with. My child has put us all in an uncomfortable situation because he has an identity problem. Now we all must deal with the consequences of his choices.
Sometimes I feel we’re all paying a price for his shallowness and selfishness. Most days I just try to cope like many Black moms do. I feel I do far more than my son’s girlfriend’s parents in the way of supporting them. When my son’s girlfriend needs something she’ll ask me, not her own mother. Black mother’s aren’t built that way. We don’t have such luxuries.
As for your brother, I’m sure it’s disheartening to see him take on attitudes of White Supremacy. I don’t know where that internalized racism comes from in our Black men, especially when they’re raised by Black women but it really angers me that White Supremacy is so strong that it can make men hate women of their own racial/ethnic makeup. White Supremacy wins each time that happens.
I really think what we’re witnessing are men who have really low -self-esteem who use/need White women to not only give them a boost of confidence, but they also use White women as some social status/social order ticket. My son is almost 30-years old and I observe his behavior on social media and in person and it just seems he’s always seeking attention and approval. He hates himself. No matter how good he was in sports, how smart he was academically, how likeable/personable he was, how much better he was than his White counterparts, he’d always allow White students and teachers to trick him into believing he wasn’t as good as they were. My son was always seeking the approving White gaze no matter how much I tried to teach him to look away from the light. He was the only son with this issue. It’s him, not us.
I’m also amazed at how my son can complain about White people in one breathe, yet yoke himself into an entire family of them in another breathe — the most racist/dangerous kind at that. The cognitive dissonance is mind-boggling.
I tried interracial dating for a spell during a gap year (much later in life I might add) and quickly realized it was not for me. I had to work too hard to teach White men all the ways I am discriminated against, and being told I’m to sensitive just wasn’t going to fly. I was good on those experiences. I appreciate them. I learned something about the people I dated and myself.
I can’t entrust my life to someone who cannot identify with the dangers of being Black or a minority. Love is one thing, but signing up for a lifetime of problems because of racism is another thing. Life is too hard to marry stress and racism. I just question why anyone would risk this with interracial relationships.