WHITE THANKSGIVING: If your turkey ain’t deep-fried, then it ain’t edible. Mashed potatoes taste like semi-solid carpet. Your green bean casserole needs salt. Cranberry sauce somehow tastes neither like cranberry nor sauce. No, I’m not eating dinner at 2 p.m. No, I don’t wish to consume a week’s worth of calories anywhere but an Indian buffet. (Black people: you are excused from this narrative because — based on the bread I’ve broken with you — you appear to have the decency to season your food with these useful and novel joy-delivery vessels known as “spices,” and also not cook things to into a post-food state.)