Your life seems to be a lot like mines. I love being alone because I was forced to be my mothers babysitter for my siblings. My father’s mother was not physically abusive, but emotionally abusive and manipulative. If she dies I know I won’t cry.
Trauma does a lot to people. I think people should do what they feel is best for them when the abuser is family. There is no right or wrong, but it’s not cool for people to force their “take the high road and forgiveness” philosophies on others either. I have had people tell me my mother was so nice, but they had no idea what she did to us. She’s manipulative. She lives in lies. I cut ties with no regrets. She’s mentally ill and we’ve tried to get her help but she refuses, including fleeing her house and living on the run.
I don’t have time to chase her. Besides, the laws protect the mentally ill it seems more than they protect the general public. She has a fire arm and is schizophrenic. Nothing I can do about her now. She’s the world’s problem and I have on record my efforts to try to get her help. I don’t need that crap in my life. I spent my childhood getting beaten and abused, called out of my name and getting blamed for stuff I didn’t do. She was hardly reliable for me. My sister and I argue all the time about our different interpretations of my childhood and how we should treat/forgive my mom.
I can’t forgive her because I can’t forget her.