You’re a beautiful writer. I am very saddened to see how you view yourself. None of those flaw you noted have to be a shortcoming that makes you feel inferior. This is a very difficult topic, so layered. As for you sexuality, I applaud you for being able to be your true self and explore. Many people are afraid to explore their sexuality, with different partners until they find the right partner that meets ALL of the their needs. Sexual is just one aspect of mate compatibility, but an important one. If you are from the South (like me) I am sure you carry some religious baggage thrown upon you by family and friends, making your life a living hell. It’s enough to make someone confused.
Encourage yourself. Love yourself. I am a foster kid and it took me 40 years to finally learn who I was and love me regardless of whether someone else loves me. And let’s not even talk about sexuality. It’s scary, but I have so much peace. Abstaining from negative things to achieve your goals is really important, including negative thoughts of yourself.
Your story has really touched me on so many levels. I hope you find your happy place, and I hope you don’t give up on finding the lifestyle that suits your physical and emotional needs. You deserve happiness. Don’t let YOU stop YOU from achieving it. Poly or not poly……do you, love you!