You’re so young to have come to this conclusion, my goodness I applaud you. My partner and I have been together for 2 years, both of us much older than you but we had similar revelations after dealing with men. I have been married, had kids, dated plenty of men, and I could never find one that would care for me the way I wanted, cherish me the way I needed to be, and love me the way I needed to be loved. And while sex was good with some men, many had lots of baggage from watching too much porn or being that being their sex ed class (yuck). I felt like I was always taking care of a rude, extra man-child. I think I always had an attraction to women but just suppressed it for many of the reasons you noted in your essay.

My partner was married to what she believes was a closeted, miserable, mentally-ill man addicted to porn. They had children together (4). She learned somewhere in all this that she was a lesbian/bi but had more of leaning towards women.

We both had our epiphanies later in life, but not before making a mess of it I’d say getting married, having children etc, the two biggest obstacles to finding out who you really are. It’s better late to find yourself than never, so congratulations to you for making the decision to do what’s good for you. I can say I have a healthy, happy realtionship. We do things I could never do with men (i.e. snuggle without getting a hard dick stuck in your back-lol), travel, dine, shop, and other things that makes a Black woman’s life easier to deal with. We both feel like we’re lifting a load from the other’s back, and we compliment each other well. And while it’s not perfect (i.e. I have 2 grown sons 3 states away, she has 3 daughters and 1 small son all under 18 in her home), we have our disagreements, but we understand nothing in life is perfect. We’ve been miserable with men, we’re looking for all the happy we can get with each other.

Best wishes on your Christmas wish and please keep us posted on your success. I’ve thought a lot about how little palatable essays for Black bi women there are on Medium. I am happy you’ve filled this void here.

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